Thursday, 20 April 2017
just keep swimming
I've been plodding along with not a lot happening really. I'm still managing to do veda which I feel proud about. Although I just noticed I have one less subscriber than I did yesterday so that's a good mood boost lol. We had easter sunday off together, Will did me an egg hunt, we watched Moana and The Force Awakens for the second times (´ ∀ ` *) and then Avengers Age of Ultron for the first time (o-_-o) and we ate a lot of roast potatoes. It was really nice to have a day off together, we don't do it enough. Being self employed is dumb (but is also brilliant and keeps us sane, for the most part).
I'm feeling very unsure of myself lately and am trying to not let it stop me from working seeing as that will just make it worse. It is very hard to be creative when you feel like you're the least creative person ever to try and create something but I know my brain is just being mean and even if I am rubbish I won't get better if I stop trying.
I've been trying to 'go shopping' more often. For various reasons I prefer to get clothes from second hand or independent places and I guess if you don't look in charity shops often there's much less chance of finding things. Especially seeing as ours never seem to have anything I would want. I always get so jealous when I see people online in their thrift stores or op shops that are huge and full of all sorts of stuff from all sorts of styles and we have tiny little charity shops that seem to only sell the most bland bits of what you could buy on the high street last year.
I always think of charity shops as magical places that sell anything and everything and then in reality they seem to be heavily dictated by the person who runs it deciding 'people won't want that, throw it out'. Which is fine, it's their shop. Maybe it's just the charity shops I can get to, maybe I'm just too picky but whatever the reasons, I often go out thinking "yeah, I'm going to just poke about and hopefully I'll find something, maybe not but it'll still be fun to have a rummage" and once I'm actually out of the house I just get anxious and stressed. I find it hard to be around people and then on top of that I don't find anything I like and I end up feeling very woe is me about it. But it gets me down sometimes wearing clothes I bought 7 years ago that don't really feel like me anymore so I have to keep trying. And we do have Looses Emporium which gives me hope for finding clothes eventually maybe.
It's weird at the minute. I don't feel especially bad but I also don't feel especially good. It's like I've accepted the negative thoughts and feelings and am just like fine, that's how it is, what can I do. Which doesn't feel healthy to be honest. The moral of this post seems to be 'just keep trying' but sometimes it's hard to believe that anything will come out of it. I hate being negative on here but it might help a bit if I get it out and send it away to the internet. Sorry if you've read all of this and I've made you feel down (or annoyed at my whingeyness)! I'm sure things will pick up, gotta just keep trying. haha.